My boys are gamers. By that, I mean they know how to work the PS4 and Nintendo Switch better than they know how to use a fork and knife. Maybe an exaggeration but only slightly. While they love their video games, they also love all kinds of games. We play board games routinely and even have a dedicated game night. Then there’s all the other games they like to play. Tag, hide and seek, and by the time you throw in sports, there’s a hearty amount of time that we are engaged in some sort of game with the boys. As a mom, this is great for me. Playing games presents so many opportunities for teaching much needed skills and it also happens to be a whole lot of fun.
I know this may come as a shock, but my boys don’t always see eye to eye when they play games together. They don’t always see eye to eye even when they aren’t playing games. Sibling dynamics. It’s a challenge for all parents. Parents of girls (I know because I have a sister) and parents of boys or a mix. I read some information this week on game theory. Then I read it about three more times. I have zero background in business or economics, so I had to use a completely different part of my brain to navigate that article. I think the basic idea is the study of competitive situations (or games) as well as the dynamics of the competitors, or players. The goal of game theory is to use strategy to determine the decisions of the players that achieves an optimal outcome. This theory is known for its applied use in economics, but it has been used in other fields as well. John Nash, the mathematician depicted in the movie, A Beautiful Mind, is known for his work in this field. He was even awarded a Nobel Prize for his contribution to game theory. Below are some terms I’ve been reading about that are commonly used in game theory.
Game-a particular circumstance that has a result dependent on the actions of the players.
Players-The individuals involved in the game, working toward an outcome by using strategic thinking.
Strategy-the plan a player will execute in each situation.
Payoff-the benefit a player receives based on the outcome.
Information Set-the facts available at a specific time.
Equilibrium-the point where all players have made a decision and there is a result.
I’ve noticed a couple of “situations,” or “games,” that occur frequently from time to time in my home. So, I wondered about taking a look at these situations through the lens of this theory in an effort to achieve an optimal outcome. So here goes.
#1 The “I Want What You Have Game”
I observed the following scenario unfold between two players, both of whom were randomly chosen subjects not related to me at all. Player 1 will start playing with something, let’s say, a lightsaber. While the lightsaber appears to be a relatively new toy, I’ve noticed that in this situation, it really doesn’t matter. This scene will play out time and time again whether the toy has been on a shelf for over a year or is a go-to favorite. There is something about the dynamic at play here. There might be no interest whatsoever in a particular toy but once player 1 picks it up, it’s like player 2 is sitting in the control tower and all of sudden, an object (insert lightsaber) is on his radar. So, now we have the game, and we have our players. From a strategy standpoint, player 1 is just holding firm. Player 2’s strategy begins to unfold, and he asks if he can have the toy. Player 1 realizes he’s in the driver’s seat. He has the toy and player 2 wants it. The grip on the toy tightens in a not-so-subtle-in-your-face kind of way. The game is in full swing at this point. Payoff for both is achieving time with the toy in question. Player 1 can agree to let player 2 have the toy for a bit or he can respectfully decline. Let’s say it’s the latter. Just a hunch. Player 2 gets frustrated. He may call for an arbitrator. He may come back with a different offer or he may just decide to drop it and go play with something else. Let’s say its not the latter. Again, hunch. Player 2 decides to bargain with another toy. His strategy seems to now be to get player 1 interested in playing with something else in order to get him to relinquish the first coveted toy. At this point, I have observed things go one of two ways. First, player 2 can get mad and things escalate into an argument. Insert arbitrator. Second, player 2 can actually give up and go play with something else. In this instance, the control shifts. Player 1 can see player 2 is no longer interested and player 1 is also in turn, interested in what player 2 is now doing. He will come along and want to participate. Since he has lost interest in the original toy, the new proposal to share is accepted given that now player 1 wants to get in on what player 2 is now doing. Equilibrium is achieved either by arbitration or a patient strategy move by player 2. If the arbitrator stepped in, I assume she would point out that if two people want to play with the same toy, then the only fair thing to do is to share it. One plays for a bit and then switch. Pure speculation on my part.
#2 “This Button, Right Here, I’m Going To Keep Pushing It Game”
Nerves. We all have them, and everyone’s get pinched in different ways. Sometimes, I’ve noticed, players will push each other’s buttons for what seems like is just pure sport. I took some time and observed a couple of individuals, again, completely chosen at random and of no relation, in order to further study this dynamic. Player 1 will be engaged in an activity. Doesn’t really matter what. Perhaps watching a show on television. Player 2 will start jumping off the coffee table onto the floor, hindering player 1’s view. Player 1 apparently just wants to watch a television show, and expresses frustration, asking player 2 to stop getting in the way of the T.V. He attempts to achieve payoff (watching his show without a person flying across the screen at regular intervals) with a simple request. Player 2 acts like he did not hear the request and continues with the jumping. I believe he said he was practicing his flying. Strategy seems clear enough. He attempts to achieve payoff by paying no attention whatsoever to what is being asked of him. Player 1 asks again, with a noticeable annoyance in his tone. Nothing changes. Again, this could go several different ways. First, player 1 could just ignore him and watch the show as best he can or find something else to do until flying practice is over. Not likely. Second, player 1 could get really upset and attempt to get player 2’s attention, even by physically trying to stop him. Last, player 1 could call, rather loudly, for an arbitrator. Noticeably, player 2 seems more committed to the activity once he realizes it is something player 1 does not want him to do. However, as observed in previous similar scenarios, player 2, if left alone, will not stay with his activity for long. Button pushing is only fun when the action is followed by a reaction. More often than not, the arbitrator is called, and an agreement is reached that is fair for both parties. Equilibrium achieved. The arbitrator usually points out to player 2 that if player 1 asks him to stop getting in the way of his show, he should listen and comply to be considerate. Furthermore, no one is trying to hinder flying practice, but jumping off the coffee table is not an option. We don’t stand/jump on furniture. I feel like this particular arbitrator might say this a lot. Perhaps, she continues, it would be best to find a better place to practice flying with less potential for injury. Your bedroom is a great option, and you could jump onto a pallet or something like that. She seems wise.
There are a couple of things to note regarding game theory. First, it is extremely more complex as it apparently revolutionized the world of economics by helping to solve problems in previous mathematical economic models. In business, it helps in situations companies face like decisions to release products to market or strategizing moves between competing economic agents. So, clearly there is a lot more to game theory than this post will go into. Second, game theory has some assumptions, one being that the players are rational decision makers. Given that my players are small children, I think it is a pretty safe bet that they may not always make rational decisions. Emotions do come into play and even though self-interest does motivate us a good bit of the time, we do make decisions based on others as well. For the good of all, not just the one. Again, with children, sometimes this is rare, but it does happen. Third and last, there are other types of game theory and other examples, such as the prisoner’s dilemma, which is very well-known. Two individuals are charged with a crime and the police do not have hard evidence, so they separate the two and attempt to initiate a confession using various strategies. As a mom, I really hope we don’t become familiar with that type.
My goal was to see if there was anything I could learn that would be applicable in the various ‘games’ that unfold in my home between my two players. I think this exercise has been educational for me and I think there are elements that make sense with some modifications. So, here’s my MGT or ‘Mom Game Theory.’
Mom Game Theory or MGT
There are games afoot. Everyday. We all know it. Little humans strategizing left and right to maximize their daily fun. These situations, as we all know, can lead to problems between siblings when one’s child strategy contradicts another’s. The two examples above are just a couple of the many situations that arise which potentially lead to conflict. Each player wants what they want and will implement certain strategies to achieve that payoff. MGT, like the original GT has its assumptions and limitations. For one, we need to understand that we are absolutely not dealing with rational decision makers most of the time. There are days I don’t even behave rationally as a fully developed adult. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, we just do the thing that makes the least amount of sense. Or maybe there was a reason and it only made sense to us. It reminds me of a cute new book I got the boys, called The Grumpy Monkey. The monkey is feeling a bit down, and his friends tried all sorts of things to cheer him up, but in the end, he just wasn’t in the best mood. That’s ok sometimes. I really liked the book and so did the boys. It has great illustrations that remind me of the The Jungle Book.
Here is the link in case you need a new book for your library: Grumpy Monkey
An important point for us as parents to realize is our players are limited. It’s not a bad thing, but they are. They are somewhere on the scale of development, mainly based on their age but also experience. Children are not fully developed physically, emotionally, socially or cognitively, so they need guidance. Truthfully, not the best communicators either. In order to use MGT appropriately, I think we need to all have a good understanding of where our kids are in terms of development. There are lots of resources out there explaining the different stages broken out by age. They also give details on social and cognitive milestones. I encourage you to do the research and find some information from a source that you trust. This is important because you can’t expect to be able to reason with a two-year old for example. It’s also good to know that preschool children start to understand and recognize that others have feelings and thoughts which starts to affect behavior as well. Why is this important? Because they are children. We cannot expect them to appropriately navigate these situations on their own. They need our help. I have the same key terms below for MGT with one addition: The Arbitrator. We are essential to the process. As we listen, we need to guide them on the best way to respond that ensures optimal outcome for all. We should encourage them to work things out together, but guide them as they grow and learn so we can step in when needed to help until they get better at it. Their first inclination, especially if they are young, isn’t going to be to share their toys. The more we show them how that can work so everyone gets to play, the more that method will solidify into a strategy they can implement on their own. In a situation like #2 above, there may be an underlying reason why one child is purposefully annoying the other. Is he really wanting some attention from his sibling and doesn’t express that well, yet? Is he mad for some reason because maybe something has already not gone his way? Who knows, but we will be better equipped to help figure that out as we observe and arbitrate when needed. Understanding the stages of development our kids are in only helps us apply a better strategy for that arbitration. MGT terms below.
Game-Let’s just call it daily sibling shenanigans.
Players-Your adorable tiny humans that engage in such shenanigans, bringing their own special strategic thinking to the party…or not?
Strategy-the tactics your players use to get what they want or ‘win the game.’
Payoff-the reward (perceived or real) that a player receives based on the result.
Information set-the facts available at a specific time. *Note, these facts may vary depending on which player is relaying them.
Equilibrium-the end result that involves payoffs being explained and distributed fairly.
The Arbitrator-The necessary mediator who explains the fair distribution of benefits and helps achieve equilibrium if/when intervention becomes needed.
What Did I Learn?
I’ve thought a lot about game theory and how it is applied to strategize situations in order to achieve the optimal outcome among competing players. Consequently, I’ve thought about what I want to instill in my boys as we navigate these situations or ‘games.’ First, I do think it’s important to understand all the facts or the ‘information set’ going on in a particular game. How many times did we wish someone had seen the 10 seconds that took place before we were caught doing something wrong when we were growing up? Yeah, one child just got kicked, but what happened right before that? No, it still isn’t ok to kick, but let’s back that train up and get the whole story. Instant replay please.
Second, I think understanding the strategy of your kids is important. This goes hand in hand with knowing where they are in terms of developmental stages. If my child is acting purely out of selfish desires, I want to try to shape that thinking to start taking others into consideration, but I will not get far until they come out of that egocentric stage of life. Also, I don’t think you will always be able to predict behavior and sometimes they may do things that make no sense. In those moments, I’m going to just be there for my grumpy monkeys. Clearly something else may be going on and mama’s got to figure that out. Finally, the arbitrator is essential for achieving equilibrium while they are young, but this need will lesson as they grow and learn. I asked my boys what would happen if I put a new toy down in front of them and they both wanted to play with it. Wood said, “Well, we would both want it but the right thing to do would be to take turns.” Graham said, “We should play together and take turns.” They both acknowledged that things don’t always go that way but they are getting better at coming to those conclusions on their own….well at least in that situation.
Fun and Games
Back to the games we enjoy that I mentioned in the beginning of this post. One of the things I’ve heard a lot at work (and I’m sure you have too) is to “work smarter, not harder.” Games are educational. Games are fun. Below are some of the ones the boys love that also happen to be teaching them a thing or two.
Clue
Who did it, where and with what? I played this game growing up and now we play it with Wood also. He’s learning attention to detail, strategy and deductive reasoning. Mom win for sure.
Go Fish
We have had this wacky deck of go fish cards for as long as I can remember. My sister and I loved playing this game. It teaches them to pay attention and remember who has what to complete their matches. It’s not your typical go fish game. The cards are unique and it’s just fun to say, “give me all your geezers.” Check it out at the link below.
Richard McGuire’s Go Fish Card Game
Monopoly
This game is it’s own lesson in life and math all rolled into one. Every trip around the board teaches them that the bills just keep on coming. When Wood buys a property, I make him figure out his change prior to giving it to him. He has his little notepad and pencil so he can do the math and work it out. He’s so cute when he’s thinking really hard.
UNO
This one is a classic. It reinforces your child’s ability to recognize numbers and colors and there is also a bit of strategy too. You may want to hang on to that draw 4 card until you absolutely need to play it.
Battleship
A10? J5? Where to put your ships and how to go about searching the waters for your opponent’s? Here’s a tip: If you play with one child sitting in your lap, be sure to explain the importance of the ships staying in place. I looked down as I was playing Wood and realized Graham had moved everything on my board. Oops. Anyway, the boys learn strategy and some good critical thinking as they work on mastering this game.
Candyland
Some games are good for just introducing the concept of rolling the dice to see if you win or lose. There is no skill involved in playing Candyland, but they do get to learn how it feels to win and how it feels to lose. You could be at the very end and draw the candy cane card and end up right back at the beginning. Disappointing, but part of the game. It is a great game for younger kids to get used to these concepts. It is also fun, of course, to draw the ice cream card and shoot way ahead too.
More Games
There are plenty of other games we play at our house and each one helps reinforce things like taking turns, paying attention, and handling victory and defeat. Matching or memory is another one that is great for younger kids. They get to practice focus and recalling details as they work to pair up cards and make matches. Connect Four is easy and another way to teach some strategy as well as enforce the need to pay attention. We also have an ABC game for younger kids that helps reinforce learning both uppercase and lowercase letters of the alphabet. It is based on The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
The World of Eric Carle The Very Hungry Caterpillar Spin & Seek ABC Game
Game Plan
Game theory seems to essentially be an attempt to figure out what people do in certain situations and why. Players strategizing to achieve maximum payoff. This is obviously a very basic overview of what has evolved into complex mathematical models. As parents, I think we too, want to understand the dynamics of what takes place in certain situations between our kids. We want to understand and guide our kids well but not for the purpose of maximizing any one individual payoff. I think some key takeaways are that I am reminded to be aware of their limitations and intervene as an arbitrator in ways that will be meaningful based on their developmental stage. I am reminded how important my role is in this process. These situations and how we guide them to respond will help shape and mold their character. It’s my job to help guide them in making good decisions. Every day. I have said this before in a previous post but I think it is worth saying again. I don’t know about you but my children are not able to make appropriate decisions on what to wear in 40 degree weather, much less anything more important. They need our guidance and I am so thankful I am here to give it. They don’t know how to be good brothers or friends yet, but they are learning as we help them navigate these interactions daily.
Final Thoughts
This post is mainly focused on sibling interaction but we know that our kids also interact with others at daycare, school, with friends, at church and on sports teams. I think the same strategies apply in guiding them to navigate the many different situations outside the home as well. We are preparing them for life, right? So, with that being said, I want our away game to be as strong as our home game. It will be fun as they get older to expand on our game playing, too. You gotta know when to hold’em, and so on. The essence of MGT is to listen and pay attention to all the facts. Use that instant replay if needed. Be aware and sensitive to their particular stage of development and apply arbitration accordingly. You are essential to equilibrium until they grow more independent. Now, I am sure as you have been reading this post, some ‘situations’ or ‘games’ may have started to unfold in your home, so I will leave you with this:
May you never see the prisoner’s dilemma type of game theory up close and personal, remember to work smarter, not harder and you will be ahead of the game, and don’t be ashamed if you’ve ever used bribery to achieve equilibrium. We’ve all done it. Ice cream works.
Now get out there and go arbitrate. You are essential.
After all, MGT is also an abbreviation for management.
Thanks for visiting Mockingbirdmom.com!
