I love that Subaru commercial where the girl is changing a flat tire in the rain. You don’t see him at first, but her father appears just as she finishes and tells her he knew she could do it. As a mom, of course one of my biggest jobs is to be there for my boys. I want to be there. I want to be there physically for the boo boo that doesn’t require medicine or a band aid but will get both along with the magic medicine of mom’s kiss. I want to be there emotionally for both the ups and downs. The loudest cheerleader and the voice of encouragement that is as certain as the next day’s sunrise. I want to be there spiritually for the big questions. If you’re a parent, you know the anxious feeling you get as your kids hit new milestones. It’s exciting but it also reminds you how fast they’re growing up and how little time you have. I want to be there every step of the way and I have a lot to teach them. A big part of what weighs on me are the things I need them to know for when I am not there. Preparation for life. Skills and character traits that will help them not just stand on their own but stand out. As I started thinking about my mom goals, I decided for this post, I would focus on some of the traits that will help them be ready, for whatever. I’m also throwing in some goals around their hobbies and interests. Woven all through these goals is the concept of personal responsibility. Being responsible will spill over into every area of life and I believe they will be more prepared, well-adjusted, less anxious and even better at critical thinking. Combining this with encouraging their interests will give them confidence and a creative outlet, not to mention be a whole lot of fun. What are some things I plan to work on? I’m glad you asked. Below are the character traits I want to instill as explained by Des’ree in her famous song, “You Gotta Be.” These are not in order of importance, but rather follow her song lyrics.
You Gotta Be Bad
No, I don’t want my children to exhibit bad behavior. This is the “bad” that is really good, or exceptional. The bad Michael Jackson taught us about. To me, this is the, ‘x’ factor. I want to encourage them to excel. It is good for kids to find things they are good at and keep pursuing new heights. Honestly, I think if a person exhibits the remaining qualities on this list, they will have an element of the ‘bad’ in them. Aim for legendary. You may come up short but you’re way ahead of those who didn’t even try. Look at Johnny Cash. At 71 years of age, the man covered the song, “Hurt,” and did it better than Nine Inch Nails who originally recorded it. Not a knock against them at all but his version is epic. Just my opinion of course but that’s bad.
You Gotta Be Bold
To be bold is to possess the ability to take risks. Being confident and courageous. I want my boys to take risks. I want to teach them to do so responsibly of course, but by all means try new things. I want them to have confidence in themselves. That starts now. As we give them some responsibility here at home (which I will go into more detail about later), it will help to build their confidence. I also want to teach them skills that are age appropriate to make them more well-rounded. As a result, I hope that when a situation presents itself, they will not be anxious about trying something new. We can certainly involve the boys in the next weekend DIY project as an example. Assign them a wall to paint. Encouraging them to enter the contest, go on the trip or try out for the team will give them opportunities to practice getting out of their comfort zone, and that will be so valuable. Sometimes we are just flat out afraid to try. Maybe that won’t be the case if they have many experiences to fall back on where they did try, and it was not the end of the world. They might even find something they love.
You Gotta Be Wiser
Wisdom is the benefit of experience, knowledge and good judgment. Certainly, something that comes with time, but we should be laying those tracks now. I want to teach them to soak up all the knowledge they can. We are already trying to promote reading which just goes hand in hand with that. See the value in learning and never stop. Realize you don’t know everything and perfect the art of listening. Create opportunities for new experiences. Go camping, for example. Find out if you like that kind of thing and if so, why? What would you take next time? Talk about survival skills while you’re out there. Knowledge and experience will help with good judgment. Later, if one of my boys finds himself on a wilderness retreat for some reason, he’ll be ready. He’ll be Anthony Hopkins in, The Edge. My boy won’t be the one that gets eaten by a grizzly bear.
You Gotta Be Hard
Hard is ok, just not too hard. I want my boys to be hard in a sense that they are solid. Not easily broken. I want them to be well grounded. Flexibility is key. You need to be able to bend, but not break. I see a disturbing uptick in young people who come apart at the slightest course deviation. Complete meltdown. Course correct already. You couldn’t show up and take your exam because why, exactly? I’m trying to take care of that now. Lately, I feel like I have my work cut out for me. Some days it feels like I’m playing Galaga, shooting down unnecessary emotional outbursts all over the place like alien invaders. It’s important though. The world is not going take it easy on them and if they lose it every time their favorite shirt is not clean, there’s no way they can handle not getting picked for the team. Hard should be very prevalent in their vocabulary. Work hard. Play hard. Love hard. Friend hard. The Avett Brothers put it well in one of my favorite songs, “Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise,”
“When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.”
Let’s not be soft. Moving on.
You Gotta Be Tough
What comes to mind when you think of tough? Rocky training in Russia? Gerard Butler in 300? Or maybe the grit of Rudy clawing his way to have a chance to be out on the field with the Fighting Irish. What about Daniel in the Karate Kid, learning physical and mental discipline to stand up to bullies? I love the end of that movie. It reminds us that no, not everyone will play fair. Stay in it. Do what you do, never mind what everyone else does. Keep fighting. Even though you may be taking it on the chin. The definition of tough, right? Able to withstand adverse conditions or endure hardship and pain. Think about that. I know as a mom, it’s hard to see our kids fail or go through something difficult but if they never do, they never learn how. We never get the chance to teach them about hardship or pain and how to endure. That is precisely why I don’t hold back when we have light saber battles. But seriously, though, it might be hard to graciously accept defeat if you always win. Just look at Alabama fans. They don’t call it character building for nothing. Also, once you’ve been down, you tend to look at things differently. You notice others who are down and since you’ve walked that trail before, you can advise on what boots to wear. I’m a girl so I went straight to shoes. Anyway, I’m gonna train my boys to go all 15 rounds.
You Gotta Be Stronger
Being stronger to me means a couple of things. For one, you can go the distance. The stronger I am, the longer I can hold that plank position, right? Weakness taps out. To be strong also implies a certain expertise in skill level. As in, “the force is strong with that one,” or “his computer skills are strong.” Combine the two and you end up honing your skills at an elite level. Whether facing a physical challenge or a particularly difficult professional path, the strong cross the finish line. In reading an official definition, strength means possessing power to perform demanding tasks and having skills and qualities that create a likelihood of success. One of my jobs is to teach them how to succeed. I just hope my skills are strong in teaching them to be strong. So much pressure.
You Gotta Be Cool, You Gotta Be Calm, You Gotta Stay Together
Remain calm under pressure. It does no good to lose it. Everyone knows the situation is bad and a better use of time is to, I don’t know, contribute to finding a solution, maybe? I think preparation helps here. If we’ve been over what to do in an emergency, then instead of freaking out, my child can simply put those steps into motion. Perhaps that can help our kids be less anxious too. This is also where the knowledge and experience help contribute to critical thinking. I’ve noticed that outlining what to expect usually works better for my boys. Prior to going to the doctor to get a shot, for example, if we tell them exactly what is going to happen, it seems to go better. We don’t always know what’s coming though, right? (Insert this time last year). I think I may try to just start talking through some scenarios and review the appropriate actions and we can just add to that as they grow. Maybe make it fun in a Speed-like, “Pop quiz, hot shot. You smell smoke in the house. What do you do?” kind of way.
There you have it. I think these are some key traits that will help kids grow into responsible adults who are able to stand on their own and are prepared for life’s many adventures. Let me say, this is absolutely not an exhaustive list of things I want to instill in my boys. Of course, I plan on teaching about honesty, integrity, kindness, being generous and about a billion other things. The focus of this post was to try to wrap my head around preparing them for handling specific situations on their own. I feel overwhelmed when I review the list above. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with preparing your kids for life, right? Just like I am approaching all my other goals, I am going to try implement some practical things that I hope will be a good starting point and be intentional with those.
So, what are we doing?
A Firm Foundation
Well, as for us and our house, we love Jesus. Plain and simple. He is the answer. I want my children to know who He is and to have a firm foundation in holy scripture. Why? We believe in the overwhelming love of God and have read his word and understood it to be the story of his love and redemption. Jesus came to earth and in the greatest event in human history, laid down his life in order that we may be forgiven and have life.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing, you may have life in his name” John 20:31
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9
We believe in Jesus and understand that we need him. As for his word, the Bible is where we learn about God and his redemptive story. I want my boys to know that story. We not only learn the story, we learn about Jesus and his teachings. Scripture also tells us how to be ready, for anything.
“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” Ephesians 6:13-18
Scripture actually tells us how to suit up and the sword is God’s word. I am not sending my kids into battle without a sword. Lastly, these final verses from Colossians also remind me of some of the blessings of life in Jesus and the study of his word.
“And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:9-14
I want my boys to grow in knowledge, be strengthened in order that they may endure, be patient, have joy, and be grateful to the one who has delivered us from darkness. We are going to have family devotionals where we walk through the story together using The Jesus Storybook Bible. It is written in such a way that is easy for children and has colorful illustrations. I provided a link below. Aside from that, we are going to try to incorporate scripture memory. The verses I learned as a child are so precious to me and it is such a gift to be able to recall those as you need them. I want to give that gift to the boys too. We are starting at the beginning!
“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1
The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name
I know this entire section may or may not interest you depending on your particular beliefs. In thinking about how to prepare the boys, I naturally think about how I prepare, how I endure and what sustains me. I wanted to share that which has had the greatest impact on my life and what I want to pass along. Either way, I hope you will keep reading for some other practical things we are implementing.
Chores
As we introduce personal responsibility, we started with age appropriate chores for the boys. They have a list of things they know we expect them to complete daily. We will add to that as needed. I’m trying to give them more responsibility so they can learn the rewards but also, so they learn what happens when they forget. They do earn an allowance and some weeks they have found they do not have enough money to buy what they want. It’s nice to put a positive spin on it too. I try to explain that Mommy works so we can have money to pay for the house, food, clothes, etc. They can do their part by helping pick up their toys, putting their clothes in the hamper and other things that help the home run smoothly. It’s their way of contributing. My little one loves to help. It is definitely a struggle but there are some great mom moments like the one below. Graham went and got the broom and dust pan and swept up a mess he made on his own. No prompting needed and the positive reinforcement that followed should ensure a repeat performance.
More About Money
I don’t know about you, but my kids started to act like there was a money tree somewhere available for the picking whenever the mood strikes. Given my lack of green thumb, I have tried to explain that is unlikely, but I’m still treated like a printing press, so I want to insert some finance training. One of Wood’s schoolwork assignments during lockdown was to take some objects, assign monetary value, and add price tags. Then he would give out some pretend money and have folks come shopping at his store. He really enjoyed that activity and we have repeated it more than once. He got his beloved dinosaurs out and lined them up and assigned a price. I went shopping and bought what I could, but I wasn’t able to buy much. It was like these dinosaurs were made by Burberry or something. Man, that store was pricey. If I thought that was bad though, the next time was worse. He pulled out Star Wars light sabers and toys and let me just say there were items in the 7 figures. My plan starts with being consistent with their chores and allowance. Also, we introduced Monopoly to Wood this year. It was awesome. The look on his face as he kept rounding the board realizing the expenses just keep on coming. Oh yeah, plenty of lessons there. At this age, I’d like to keep it fun while hopefully driving home some good principles. To that, I’d like to add doing some projects together. Start with the basics of a budget and add other concepts like taxes, interest rates, and credit cards as they get older. Instilling these principles now will prepare them for life because as we all know, life costs money.
Practice Scenarios
Back to my, “pop quiz,” strategy. I hate that the world is not perfect, but we all know it’s not and bad things are going to happen. I want to know that I have done all that I can to prepare them for both the ‘known,’ as well as the ‘unknown.’ Just like I tell my boys all the time, “safety first.” So, I want to be sure we talk about the various scenarios that could be potentially dangerous and make sure they know what to do. What if you get separated from us? What would you do? If someone you didn’t know offered you candy or ice cream or a ride, what would you do? The possibilities are limitless. I watched a documentary last year that was alarming. They did an experiment with some kids at a park to see if they would go with a stranger. Most of the moms felt like they had covered this with their children and did not think their little ones would go along. The individual that approached the kids asked if they liked puppies. Of course, the answer was yes! Who doesn’t like puppies? The next question was, “do you want to come see some puppies?” Just like that, the moms watched as their little ones were led off to a strange person’s car quite willingly. Scary stuff, but eye opening. “Stranger Danger,” in the 1980s introduced the idea of being leery of adults that children did not know. Then, we unfortunately had to evolve our strategy based on the number of incidents with adults that children did, in fact, know. We’ve driven home the, ‘don’t take candy from strangers,’ as an example but clearly, we didn’t cover puppies. It just goes to show that talking through various scenarios will help them know what to do. I found an article on the Kids Smartz website that included some scenarios you can review with your kids. I especially liked the part about pointing out adults that would be ok to approach if they needed help. I included the link below to their scenarios.
Teach New Skills
To help build confidence, I’m trying to move away from ‘doing for,’ and replace it with, ‘doing with.’ I’m trying to stop when they ask for something and think about whether it is something they can (or should) start doing themselves and then show them how, if applicable. They can be delighted at the smallest accomplishments. Making their own sandwich or putting the toothpaste on their toothbrush. Aside from those ever-increasing independent activities, I want to add some good general knowledge in the mix. Talking about car maintenance, for example. Let them get out and watch or help when it’s time to pump gas. Explain the basics of how the car runs, after I consult Google, of course. Or let them help with some basic projects. Make a birdhouse together so you can teach some basics for measuring and cutting wood.
Encourage Interests
I want my boys to try new things and if they express interest in something, I want to encourage those as much as possible. They wanted to play baseball, for example, so we have enjoyed one season for both boys so far. It has been so fun. Watching them learn the basics and getting our first jerseys. Starting to talk about teamwork and emphasizing practice in order to get better. I’m not sure who had more fun, them or me. Although, the look on my little one’s face as he ran the bases for the first time, his hair blowing in the wind, was priceless. Pure joy. My oldest also expressed an interest in learning how to play the piano so I am going to try to find him an instructor. I taught him “Mary, Had A Little Lamb,” and the first part of “The Imperial March,” but he probably needs a bit more than that.
Graham is very hands on and likes to help in the kitchen. I have also been looking at a Raddish Kids subscription that I am considering for him. They send out kid friendly recipe kits that you can make together with your little one. Wood also likes Math, so I wanted to find some practical ways to show him how much of our day to day lives depends on math. Mark Rober is an engineer and inventor who used to work at NASA. He has videos on YouTube where he does all kinds of fun experiments. He has also advertised a class you can take with your child to learn to build something. It’s both entertaining and educational. Especially the backyard squirrel obstacle course episode. Graham is also very interested in becoming a ninja and a pirate. Taekwondo is probably in his future. I may or may not encourage pirating given the fact that he can’t promise his own mother won’t be made to walk the plank.
It is very overwhelming to think about all that I want to teach my boys. Time is just flying by and sometimes we are just getting through the day with no time for extras. I am going to try to be intentional with all of my goals and my hope is that we will have less and less days that just seem to slip by unnoticed. If I can help them develop the character traits above while teaching personal responsibility, I think it will help them be ready. Now, we all have weaknesses. It’s a fact of life. Understanding those is also a sign of wisdom and maturity. I want my boys to know they can come to me for anything and they are loved no matter what. I think Des’ree’s song is like an ultimate pep talk for how to face your challenges, endure hardships and keep it together through it all.
“Herald what your mother said
Readin’ the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time.”
It’s what you gotta be in 2021.
“All I know, all I know, love will save the day.”
