Plans. Even the best laid ones can go awry. Some days, there seems to be a big difference in the way I see my day going and the way it ends up. What I wanted to accomplish. All the fun things I thought I would do with my boys. I wake up with great aspirations and by 10am, I just switch to survival mode. Forget having something to show for my day, I’m just trying to get through it. There are things I never seem to get to. Things that just stay on my list. Things I have no control over. Things I do have control over but can’t find the time to do anything about. I would love to have an impeccably clean home all the time, keep up with the laundry and not have clutter everywhere, but unfortunately that is not the case. I would love for my boys to eat vegetables like they are french fries and play lovingly together all the time, but there are days I raise my voice, and if I’m lucky, I successfully negotiate two green beans. The balance is a daily challenge. Work. Home. Kids. Life. If I’m being honest, I’m stressed and I’m tired. Do not get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for all the blessings that we have but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a struggle at times. I know there are so many people out there with larger struggles and I’m sensitive to that. I understand. I know what is like to be out of work and looking for a job, wondering if one will come along in time or if drastic changes will need to be implemented to stay afloat. But that does not change the fact that we all have our individual challenges that are stressful. Pretending we do not does no good. Stress. We all have it, to some degree. Most medical experts will tell you that a little from time to time is good. Your body knows what to do and kicks in to adjust. Trying to function and perform all necessary duties at a sustained level of high stress; however, is not good. Prolonged chronic stress will take a toll on the body and can affect just about every major system. I don’t know about you, but as a mom, one of the things I want to do is be at my best for my kids. If I am stressed, I will likely be more irritable, impatient, tired from lack of good sleep, and not in the best of health. That equates to not at my best. Everyone has different stress triggers. That which sets one person off may not bother the next person in the slightest. I am no expert on stress, or the body, or psychology for that matter. So, as I dive into some of these topics that take a toll on physical and mental health, it’s important to know that. My background is nursing so I do know a little about the body and I took some psychology courses in college but that’s about it. What I feel like I know pretty well; however, is myself. I have certain stress triggers and I have things that I have found that do work for me. I wanted to cover those in this post in an effort to share. Maybe it will be helpful to others, and if any of you have found great ways to unwind and manage stress, I hope you will comment and share so we can help support one another. Moms supporting moms. No journey looks the same but there may be similarities along the way.
Here’s Johnny!
Let’s talk triggers. The goal here is to not turn into Jack Torrance from The Shining.
I think the important point is to know what sets you off. If you can identify your triggers, then you can figure out what works best for you to manage them. I’m sharing the things that make me crazy and how I manage those, in no particular order.
If I Snooze, I Lose
I tend to be more stressed if I do not have time to prepare for my day. That may seem obvious to some extent; no preparation certainly equals more stress. However, I am not just talking about a work situation such as preparing for a presentation. I just mean preparing for the day in general. If I wake up just in time to get up and get to where I need to be, I feel like the day is just coming at me. If I hit snooze and do the ‘just in time,’ get up routine, I usually end up forgetting something extra that I would have caught if I’d gotten up earlier. That might be the day one of the boys needs to dress up for school and I forgot and now I’m pressed for time to make my first meeting. I have found that I need that mental and spiritual preparation for the day. I like to get up early to pray and read my Bible before my day starts. It just works better for me to set aside that time early. I have found that if I say I will do it later in the day, that plan is always thwarted. I need to be able to wake up, think about the day, get my thoughts together and spend some time praying, being engaged in worship and reading God’s word. Why is this important to me? For starters, I’m incredibly grateful for all that God has done for me so I want to be obedient and one of the things He commands of us is to read and study His word. His word guides me as the verse below from Psalm reminds me, providing instruction and wisdom that I need as I start my day. I often think to myself, if everything else goes downhill from here, at least I have taken the time to praise our wonderful God and that’s the most important thing! I also need perspective. As I head into a day that looks to be potentially overwhelming, sometimes it doesn’t seem like such a big deal after reading about Paul, for example, and his many challenges. When I get blind sided by something at work or the boys start acting out, I feel better prepared to respond appropriately. I certainly don’t have wisdom on my own to handle all that is thrown my way. That dedicated time in the morning before the craziness starts is time not only that I enjoy, but it is time that I need, and it makes me a better mom.
“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” 2 Timothy 2:15
“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” Psalm 119:105
“But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions–it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:4-5
I Love It When a Plan Comes Together
It stresses me out when I am not organized, and clutter is everywhere. I have a beautiful laundry room. Not really a room you hear people say that about but mine is awesome. There is plenty of room for organizing the laundry. In addition to that, there is a closet, a desk area and a bench with drawers that makes a great area for book bags, coats, etc. I have lost count of the number of times we have tried to de-clutter this area. It looked great for a week or so and then the piles started forming again. It becomes the catch-all space. Boxes that are delivered get put in there along with everything else that apparently, we don’t know what to do with. It’s like bamboo. You just can’t kill it. You try, but it just keeps coming back. That’s ok, when you have too much bamboo, you can use some to make didgeridoos with your kids when you do your home school Australia unit, but that’s another post. Anyway, clutter makes me crazy. Apparently, I’ve learned to be quite the functional-crazy because clutter seems to be everywhere in my home. How do I tackle this? A combination of realistic expectations and a targeted approach. I remember what the nurse in the post-partum unit told me about my swollen ankles after having Wood. She said, “Not to worry, honey, those ankles didn’t get that way overnight and they won’t go down overnight either, but they will go back to normal.” I liked her. I realize all my piles didn’t happen overnight and they won’t realistically be cleaned up in one weekend. So, I pick an area, tackle that, feel accomplished and still make time for other important things. It’s working. There is a huge closet under my stairs that was completely packed with all sorts of junk, but it also happened to be where our toilet paper and paper towels were located. These necessary items were all the way in the back on top. Don’t ask me why, but I would always have to take one step in and then assume a very difficult yoga/Pilates position to reach the toilet paper, grab it and maintain balance. Now, however, after de-clutter and organization, I can walk all the way into this closet, straight to the back and there is even a peg board on the wall providing storage for the many nerf guns we own. De-cluttered and organized and we all feel accomplished. Go team. Insert Hannibal Smith with signature grin and cigar. Yes, I realize I did nothing on the level of saving a small business owner from an oppressive tycoon and his gang of muscle men, but I still hear The A-Team theme song in my head.
Gonna Make A Change
Some days, I feel like I never seem to get anything done. Am I the only one? Not crossing things off my list makes my stress level go up. I go back to those best laid plans and lists I make in the beginning of my day. Whether it is personal goals, work goals, or things I planned for me and the kids, sometimes it just doesn’t get done. Maybe a work meeting runs long and as a result, dinner is later than normal and by the time I finish, there’s barely time to have any fun before bedtime. That makes the kids cranky and because I want them to have some time to play, I forgo some other activity I had planned. Just not happening today. By the time the boys go to sleep, it is way past bedtime. If my work-out has not happened by then, realistically, it’s not going to. Then, I return to my list and see what I can get done. I start on it and end up nodding off without really accomplishing much. Surprise! I wake up with a to-do list that looks familiar.
That is stressful. Probably for a lot of us. Being stagnant is frustrating. Albert Einstein said doing something over and over again but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So, the next question is how many of us are insane? If we’re honest, I think a lot of us do this. At work, there are those people who continue to attend meetings, complaining afterwards that the meeting is pointless and not productive. Then, there are those people who speak up and ask the question, “Is this meeting helpful? What about the format, is it working for everyone? If not, how can we improve it to make it valuable or if it is not needed, just give you that time back.” I know I certainly want to be the latter. We should apply that strategy to all areas of life. Yet, for some reason we just keep rolling along, never changing anything, even though we are dissatisfied with some aspect of our day to day. If something isn’t working, change it. As I entered into this year, I made some goals. It sounds simple enough, but I would say goal setting has helped reduce stress for me in this area because I have something I am working towards and something to keep myself accountable. You can read about my mom goals in some of my earlier posts, but this strategy has helped in all areas. I may not get it right every day or every week, but I am being more intentional with my boys overall and I believe it will make a difference. One example is related to my mom goal about reading. The other day, my oldest asked if he could read some more when he went to bed. I can promise you that never happened prior to us focusing on reading every night with the boys. One other example is my grocery list. I make time to plan meals for the week so that is taken care of. I don’t ever have a night where I am scrambling to figure out what is for dinner. It’s done. That combined with incorporating recipes that use either the instant pot or slow cooker have been a huge time saver for me. I usually make dinner Saturday or Sunday through Thursday and on Friday night we have so much food we have leftovers. Depending on how much food we have, sometimes Saturday is covered too. I can’t remember the last time I had to run to the store because I needed something for dinner. That errand for me, would be at least 45 minutes to an hour and I don’t have to tell all you multi-tasking moms out there what I could do with an hour. It’s relatively simple but such a time saver and probably saves money as well because some of those last -minute what-are-we-going-to-do-for-dinner meals would have been solved by eating out, right? Anyway, love me some Michael Jackson. Change is hard but he says it’s gonna feel real good.
Mama Bear vs. Mama Boss
The constant balance of being a working mom is another stressor. I’ve struggled since my oldest was born with this one. Prior to the pandemic, I traveled a lot for work and it started in 2017 when the boys were 3 and 1. That was really hard, but to be fair, it was hard before that as well. Leaving them to go to work and having someone else get to spend the majority of the day with them was hard. Add being gone Sunday night through Thursday on a regular basis and there are some serious struggles with guilt. The travel was temporary which is what I kept telling myself. Also, the benefits we gained during that time would ultimately allow for more flexibility in my schedule, so overall, I would get to be home more. Getting through that time was very challenging, though. Even now, with all the blessings of being home more, there are challenges with working from home. I always want my kids to get the best from me but sometimes I feel like they are getting a very exhausted version of me. I’m tired at the end of the day but they are so excited when I get done working and they want to play. I have to balance that along with other things that need to get done. Dinner. Laundry. Cleaning. My mother-in-law has been living with us while she is building a house here in town and she has been a great help. There is not much she can’t do. If it’s stained, she can get it out. If it needs to be made, she can make it. All of this on top of her help with the regular daily chores of running a home. Not sure what I will do when she leaves. I may have to figure something out with the builder. Slip him some extra cash to take his time on her house. Anyway, in about a month or so, we resume standard operating procedures, but the extra help along with her company has been great. When it comes to work, I must make sure my time is focused and productive so that everything is done as efficiently as possible. Then, I am able to log off on time with some time left to play before dinner. I have to say, my Bose QuietComfort 35 wireless headphones help a great deal with that. Just saying. Worth every penny. Beyond that, I hope that the days of meetings running long or issues popping up that keep me busy past normal business hours are few and far between. I have been lucky so far because that has been the case. I will also say that most people are more considerate of the work/life balance these days and try to respect those boundaries. It is important to make that a priority. Occasionally is ok, but I would be very cranky and extremely unsatisfied if my job kept me away most evenings as that is my opportunity to get in much needed quality time with my kids. Aside from work, I have made some mom goals around quality time as well. I’m adding a link to an earlier post that goes into more details around some things we are doing specifically geared toward quality time. Carving out time for these focused activities helps me feel accomplished. It ensures that we engage with them more so than just feeding them, making sure they brush their teeth, don’t kill each other, complete all assignments and get to bed on time. As a result, I am less stressed when it comes to this very real, daily struggle.
Quality Time With My Boys: Being Intentional in 2021 – Mockingbird Mom
QuietComfort 35 II Noise Cancelling Smart Headphones | Bose
Those are some of my stress triggers and how I am dealing with them. I also want to share some general things that I think really help me find a good balance. In my personal experience, these are great outlets for dealing with stress.
Girl On Fire
OK, so maybe it’s more that my quads are on fire. If you’ve ever done Pure Barre or Pilates, you know. This one is not a surprise. Medical experts will all tell you that regular exercise is good for your health. The benefits of exercise are well documented so I won’t go into that, but I will share what I enjoy that helps tremendously with stress. First, I get bored with the same thing day in and day out. I enjoy a variety. If I had to get up and face the exact same workout every day, I would not be very committed to it. I enjoy listening to music and it is so nice to head out on a walk or jog with some great music and just enjoy zoning out for a bit. It is a great stress reliever. However, back when I was traveling for work, I found some videos that I could do in my hotel room and discovered that I love Pure Barre! These workouts are so great for toning and working all your muscles. Since I added these workouts into my mix, I feel stronger and more fit. The great thing about it to me, being a busy mom, is that you can find any type of work out regimen online to fit any schedule. There are 15-minute workouts, 20, 30 on up to 60 minutes. Mentally, maybe I don’t feel like gearing up for 60 minutes, but maybe I can commit to 20. Then later on I could throw in another 20-minute workout. Getting it in when I can. That is something. Below are links to some of my favorite online classes I have done over and over on YouTube for free. I also recently got the FITON app and I am already loving that too. They have all kinds of workouts available at various lengths and intensity levels. I have enjoyed some intense workouts from the comfort of my home and that has certainly been handy this past year. I highly recommend these for mixing things up if you, like me, get bored with the same routines. Also, the second link below is for a workout with Coach Kel. She has several videos and I have really enjoyed all of them, so just know that if you like her workout routine, she has others that are great too. Everything will be on fire. Trust me. Another benefit of working out at home is you have the cutest workout partners.
Foundations Intro #1 with Katelyn DiGiorgio – YouTube
45 MIN BARRE WORKOUT | INTERMEDIATE/ADVANCED | Body Tone & Lift – YouTube
Full Body 50-Minute Barre Class! – YouTube
Ferris Bueller Strategy
Take some time off. Unwind and make time for the things that you enjoy. All work and no play…you see where I’m going. We are not one-dimensional or even two. There is more to you and me than all things mom and it is healthy and good for us to nurture those things. If you enjoy music, go to a concert. If you love to hike, go find some hills. If reading is what you love, immerse yourself in a book. I think this is a good tactic for everyone. Finding a great book, T.V. show or movie is a good distraction. For a while, your mind can stop thinking about all the normal stuff and get a break. Engage with a good story. It can be helpful. I know it has been for me. While you are at it, make it a funny story. Laughter just feels good and is so good for you. Find your favorite comedies and let the fun begin. Personally, I enjoy all of these things. If I could combine them, that would be awesome. I would take a trip into the hills and see a live band at the top (where there just happens to be a 5-star resort and spa). I do love a good massage. The recharging process is important. Taking time off and allowing yourself to unwind will make you a better mom. You will be refreshed and better equipped to engage. On a simpler level, think about why all-day seminars have so many breaks. At some point, they know you have zoned out and aren’t listening anymore. Go too long with no break and you won’t be really listening or engaging with your kids. They won’t be getting the best of you; they will notice and then everyone is frustrated. Now, go plan your day off. After all, life moves pretty fast. You wouldn’t want to miss it.
Release the Kraken
Not release in a terrorizing, city demolishing kind of way. Release the pressure in more of a Whitley Gilbert, “Relax, Relate, Release,” kind of way. Everyone needs an outlet. I know I have already mentioned lots of great outlets for stress like exercise and reading a good book, but I wanted to call this out because having a hobby or something that interests you outside of everything else is also good. If you have always been interested in painting, maybe take a class. Start writing or play the piano. I enjoy writing (clearly), and it has been good for me. It takes my mind off other things and has just been a good outlet, plain and simple. I also dabble in painting. At various times, I get inspired and try to paint something I see that I like. For a while, I am just immersed in that activity and think of nothing else. Again, my brain gets a break. I get to learn something new, and it forces me to think about other things, thereby taking my mind off the things that may be stressful for a time. I remember a conversation I had once with my mom about my dad. He has always enjoyed hunting and playing golf. When I was young, I noticed that these activities could eat up an entire day and I asked her if it bothered her that he was gone so long. Her reply was that she knew his job could be stressful and that he needed the opportunity to do some things he enjoyed; that it was good for him to let off steam. Now that I’m older, I totally get it. Whacking a ball or shooting something sounds pretty good when I’m stressed. Seriously, though, outlets can be very beneficial in fighting the stress battle. So when you feel yourself start to turn into a scary sea monster with giant tentacles, instead of taking out ships (or family members) right and left, grab a paintbrush.
I know we can all relate to stress. It is just a given. Though our triggers may be different, I think there are some important tactics outlined in this post that can help anyone. Even on those days when we are frustrated because we don’t think we accomplished much or are in a bad mood because we’ve had to raise our voice to our kids, my guess is we’ve accomplished more than we think. The dinners, the hugs and kisses, the bedtime stories, and even the discipline are acts of love. Not every day will be perfect. My background is nursing, and I’m reminded of one of my philosophies back when I worked in the hospital. I noticed there were always those nurses that were super rigid, keeping to a schedule as they moved through their shift. They were easily thrown with the slightest interruption in their routine. Then, there were those nurses that were so laid back, they were missing things and making errors. The sweet spot is in between. You can’t be so rigid that when your day turns upside down (and it will) you can’t handle it. Sure, I was planning on giving out all of my medications on time, but all of a sudden, I have a patient in a lot of pain, one with low blood sugar and one with high blood pressure. You also can’t be so laid back you miss the details. I had to stay on top of everything but be flexible. The same is true now as I go about my day to day. Maybe I was planning on cleaning or doing laundry but my little one wanted to make slime with me, so we made slime. He had fun and I knew I’d get around to cleaning at some point.
Have you ever heard of Matwe? If I said that to my son, he would probably tell me that is the name of a character in the Star Wars Legends series. If I google that name, this character pulls up but there is also a Dutch tennis player named Matwe’ Middelkoop, who apparently was ranked 30th in the world back in 2018. I have personally never heard of either of them. To me, Matwe or rather M.A.T.W.E stands for “Moms At Their Wits’ End.” Our goal is not to end up here or we may have our own, “here’s mommy!” moment from The Shining.
One final note. Let’s be real. Chocolate helps. I always have a stash of little Reese’s peanut butter cups on hand and you should too. Easter is coming so go ahead and get those chocolate eggs. You deserve it.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate
Keep it up moms! Change what isn’t working and take some time for yourself!
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